Kid Free Day

My kids are at their dad’s this weekend. Yesterday I spent the day lounging and enjoying the silence, but today I ventured out into the world KID FREE.

I went to the mall. I shopped all by myself. Does anyone else forget what it’s like to walk in a store and not be asked 4 times by 3 different kids if they can have that and that and that? Oh it’s such a treat to go try clothes on without my 3 year old hanging onto my leg lol.

But seriously, I went shopping and I bought stuff for them. It’s a mom thing. You go there thinking oh I can’t wait to buy something for myself, but then you see all the cute little clothes and adorable necklaces that you just know they would love and….you buy them. I don’t regret it. I just can’t wait to show them when they come home tomorrow.

American Dream

Do y’all ever sit and play the “what if” game? Well, I usually don’t, but I have been the last couple days. I’ve been dreaming of the authentic American dream. Although, mine has been most definitely above and beyond just that lol.

Lately, mine has been about what my life would be like if I won the lottery. It started off with moving to the beach and starting over. Then I picked the house and let me tell you, I really picked the house. It’s 1.5 million dollars and 8000 square feet and I love it. And there’s a boat. I have to have boat at the beach lol. Yes, I know it’s silly and it will never happen but sometimes those daydreams are what keep me going.

After picking out all of the big things I got to thinking. If I won the lottery I would actually be able to grocery shop without looking at price tags. I could pick whatever I wanted without a budget and not have to worry if this would feed us for the next 2 weeks. And boy would that be a relief. My budget shopping consists of a lot of chicken because its cheap and I’m just about chickened out!

I know these things will never happen but it’s fun to dream. It makes me and my friends giggle. It’s a bright little spot in a sometimes dark day.

Parallel

At work, I watch out the window at the people walking by the house. These people who walk the same street nearly every day yet none of them ever meet. They live these parallel lives to each other without even realizing it. I’ve worked in this recovery house for 2 years now and I can tell you I’ve never spoken to any them.

It makes me think about the guys that live here. Most of them don’t interact with anyone in this neighborhood other than the people that live with them. I can understand it to a point because there’s so much stigma behind drug addiction. But it makes me wonder just how many amazing people and opportunities they’ve missed because they’re afraid of being judged.

In all honesty, their lives aren’t much different than the people I watch. They go to work, come home, cook dinner, hang out, and watch TV. Yes, their lives also include NA and AA meetings as well as counseling but that doesn’t make them completely different than anyone else. They are people just the same.

I hope that one day these guys no longer feel the stigma. I hope they can one day walk out on their front porch and engage others in conversation. I hope they learn to open up and see that not everyone looks down on them and that some of us can actually see what amazing, hardworking people they are.

Daily Schedule

There are days when it feels like every single day is a repeat of the day before. I get up, get the kids ready, go to work, sit at a desk all day, go home, make dinner, and do it all again. Then there are the days that completely upset my schedule. There are the days when everything that can go wrong absolutely does.

This morning I woke up to a sick kid. My youngest, Damien, crawled into bed with his big sister Paige at some point in the middle of the night. Then, early this morning around 4am or so, he got sick, all over her and all over her bed. Yes, this is how my day started. So I got up and cleaned everything up. Safely tucked him back into his own bed and went back to sleep for an hour or so before I had to get ready for work.

I was lucky enough that my boyfriend had the day off. He offered to keep Damien so I dropped him off and got the other 2 to school. I thought I was golden. I had a sick kid and I managed to still make it to work. Yep, I jinxed myself.

Around 9:30 I get a call from my other son’s school. Owen had thrown up in class. Fantastic. I picked him up and dropped him off to my boyfriend as well. By 11:30, I received a call about Paige. Only I wasn’t so lucky with her. My boyfriend had an appointment and had taken my other two with him. So after all of the juggling and leaving work more than once, I had to call my boss and tell her I had to take the rest of the day off. I mean, I guess I should’ve just called off this morning. It would’ve made my day easier, but I was trying to be responsible. I was trying to do the right thing.

Let me say though, I literally have the most amazing boss. She is probably the only one I’ve ever met that legitimately means family comes first when she says it. Her response after letting me leave twice and then calling off was it’s ok sick kids happen. However, I’m getting a new boss soon. I start a new job in two weeks and I’m scared. I’m so so so scared that they will not be understanding.

When you’re a single parent, you have to worry about that. Don’t get me wrong, all parents worry about it, but when you’re a single parent, you’re the one that gets called, not the other parent and unless you have a fantastic parenting arrangement with your ex, they’re not going to leave their job to get the kid. It’s just one more thing that’s just a little harder. It’s one more thing to worry about. It’s one more thing to deal with on your own. Sometimes, it’s just exhausting. Some days you just want to pull your hair out, but you don’t. You make the best out of the situation and keep going.

Honesty is always the best policy

So in full honesty, I have literally no idea what I’m doing here. I don’t know if anyone will ever find my blog with the amount that’s already out there. I don’t know that anything I say will ever make a difference to someone. I just have all of these things going on in my life and I know I can’t be the only one. If even one person identifies with what I’m going through and it makes them feel just a little less alone, then I’ve accomplished what I set out to do.

My ex and I split almost 2 years ago. We have 3 kids, one girl and two boys. Since we split, he has refused to do anything outside the bare minimum because “it was my choice to leave so it’s my time my problem.” I’m sure I’m not the only mom with that problem. He fails to see that it’s not hurting me, it’s hurting the kids, but what do you do? So I’m mommy and daddy pretty much all the time.

Now, I do have a boyfriend and he does as much as he can for my kids, but he has his own kids and has to be there for them as well. There are days when I’m completely and totally jealous because he’s such an amazing dad to his kids; why can’t my kids’ dad be the same way? But other days I’m just glad that I found him because at least they have a man that chooses to love them and chooses to be there for them.

Trying to balance work and kids is somewhat new for me. I was a stay at home mom until a couple of months before I left my ex. It’s been nice to actually be out and see people and have adult conversations, but more often than not I feel guilty for being away from my kids. It’s better now than it was though because all of my kids are in school so it’s not like I’m missing much time with them. It also helps that it’s not like I have a choice. Someone has to pay the bills lol.

Each day is a little easier than the last. Every day is a learning experience for me. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m doing the best I can and making progress every day.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton